It was one of those nights where sleep would not come. Tossing and turning, I lay desperate to discover sleep somewhere but failed. Determining the room was too warm, I cracked the window but the January breeze did not bring the sleep I sought. In the silence of the night I stared at the questions that life is currently bringing me. I say stared but I did not see a thing for my eyes were closed. Questions raced through my head at warp speed. Repetitive questions such as . . . should I continue my education past Faith Builders? If so, where? Was Faith Builders worth the time and money? Should I not have been more “responsible” and made some money prior to studying at Faith Builders? Should I be “responsible” now and make some money prior to completing my bachelor’s degree? But will I become sidetracked and not complete my degree? If that happens would I be satisfied with what I already know? Am I being too maverick in this pursuit of knowledge? Looking back, should I have remained at home instead of learning the culture and language of Paraguay? Would it have been better to possess the security of multiple dozens of Benjamins instead of an appreciation for terere? Maybe I should have pursued my degree and have it now in hand instead of a fluency of Spanish in my head? Perhaps the years since I’ve come of age were lived as mistakes, by-products of bad decisions?
Interspersed with these questions were short and silent prayers to the One who oversees all. And yet, the gray haze of the room gave no answers. Only the unceasing brigade of questions that did not stop until I fell asleep.
EJ